I couldn’t be more pleased with David’s views on the worthlessness of all the ridiculous task imposed on us at work. Do David a favor and shut the F*ck up please!
Hater: What is your job title?
David: Document Services Supervisor. I know it sounds like I wear khakis but I don’t.
Hater: What do you hate about working in general?
David: I want to sleep. My body knows how much sleep it needs. It will awake of its own accord when it’s ready. But my job makes me suppress this most primal and irresistible urge in favor of dragging my ass out of bed, trudging to work, dealing with people I would otherwise avoid like grim death, and performing an endless series of meaningless, tedious chores – none of which I give a flying red shit about – all because some dick in a boardroom thinks it’s a good idea. And if I try to reject this imposed self-abasement, I will be denied access to food, clothing, and shelter.
Hater: What do you hate about your job?
David: The worst part of this or any job is that showing up and doing well is not enough. You have to pretend like you’re grateful for the opportunity to degrade yourself. If you dare utter one word about what a pointless shit-show it all is – ya know, the obvious truth – people look at you like you’re an ogre. But the real cynics are the ones who act like everything is just fine. The kind of sick people who look forward to office parties.
Hater: Are you passionate about any career out there?
David: If just one of my personal pursuits were transformed into the c-word (career), it would cease being fulfilling and become a waking nightmare of my own creation.
Hater: Gawd- I totally agree! If you could slap anyone at work, who would it be and why?
David: I want to slap anyone who agrees to take on lots of extra work for nothing in return because the boss tells them “you’re the only one who’s talented enough to handle this” and the petty ego boost blinds them to the bald fact that they’re being played. But the world’s full of saps.
Hater: How do you feel about people who love working?
David: I view them with equal parts pity, puzzlement, and contempt.
Hater: Are you jealous of people who are passionate about their jobs? If so, why?
David: This is like asking if I admire people with Stockholm syndrome.
Hater: HA! Good one! Are you passionate about anything at all?
David: Interpretive dance, pork chops, sitting on my couch in only my sweatpants, beer, women, mocking the prose of Jonathan Franzen, penny slots.
Hater: What’s the most recent thing someone did at work to piss you off?
David: Not knowing when to shut the fuck up.